those are the breaks

in february i broke up with my girlfriend. ok well, i didn't instigate the break, but neither did she.. rather, we decided to break up.. yes, a mutual decision. it's definitely a lot more complicated that that, but yes a mutual break. for once, a very-adult like end to a relationship. after a year and a half of what i believed was a very promising relationship, things just started to unravel.

i find it difficult to explain exactly what happened. we simply fell out of love. isn't that the most ridiculous claim you've ever heard? how the hell do you fall "out" of love? i'm not really sure, but i am confident that this is what happened to us.

the beginning of most relationships is fairly exciting for most of us. after the thrilling courting period turns to exclusivity, most of us are in such a state of honeymoon syndrome we can't help but spend as much time with your other as possible. there's that smirky smile that appears on your face when that other person steps into the room, the awkward feeling in your stomach when your lips meet, and the excitement that overcomes you when you realize that person secretly shares some of the same thoughts and passions that you have. i don't know if this is love, but it feels so fuckin' great.

i thought our relationship had this, and so much more. never before had i planned my future around someone else's dreams. never had i the desire to share every single moment for the rest of my life with just this one other person. for someone as social and outgoing as myself, it was such a contrast that i wanted nothing more than to spend a evening dancing to frank sinatra in the candle-lit living room of our apartment... just with her. watching the dog run around the park, sharing an ice cream cone, and laughing! oh wow, did i ever enjoy laughing with her. and over stupid things too. an argument would turn to laughter, a french music video would turn to laughter, the dog and cat fighting would result in laughter. when you can share a smile with someone, that might just be the most intimate event you could ever experience. your soul shines through and meets theirs. all over an episode of family guy. (i know it's fuckin' corny, so i had to throw in the family guy reference)

but for some reason, the laughter turned to silence. i have no explanation why. i wish i did. but i don't. we both just knew that the future for us didn't involve us being together. or at least not in this capacity. so after a tormenting two months of suffering with the fear that we were not meant to be, we finally admitted to the end.

we spoke this afternoon. close to four months after that fateful day where it all went right. she's dating someone else now, and it makes me so happy for her. she deserves happiness. i deserve happiness. we both deserve happiness, but i guess not with each other.